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My Lover's Funeral

“And so, from now on, you are dead to me.. I release everything that belonged to you, that reminded me of you, in the ether…as you leave let me have my peace come back to me”

_she murmured while scattering ashes in the air under a dark deep night sky.

my lover's funeral | Image source: Unsplash

48 hrs ago:

I saw him, after a long spell. He was in a blue tuxedo, fixing his button, wearing his infectious smile- the one that made me forget all of my worries and troubles. He was looking like the impeccable gentleman that he always looks. I know I will sleep peacefully tonight. I kept on figuring the venue, absorbing all the details, and thinking about the probable location. Maybe he went to one of his office parties. His knife-sharp crease, his mirror shined shoes, perfectly knotted tie. And then I saw it, a gold ring on his right hand. HE NEVER WEARS JEWELRY. My mind is running faster than I can process. The other me is saying something isn’t right, stopping myself from digging deep but it can’t stop. It tells me it’s not what you see, don’t think negative, it will manifest, stop yourself. The other me knows it all, accept it, accept it. My heart is pounding hard, my mind is screaming.

A few days earlier:

I bought some flowers while returning from running. I am at my best running streak nowadays. I am so proud of the person I am turning into. Universe has been very kind to me and I am grateful to her. It’s a Sunday and we got a small house party. A lot of things to be done and my mind is making a mental to-do list. Lately, my weekends became busy again, new projects and all, but I am not complaining either. I think I should give him a call before I start the day. Not sure if he has returned from his night shift yet. Morning conversations are one of the most blissful things, there’s a sense of togetherness and purity in them. I have been meaning to tell him that parents are thinking about finalizing the date. We are dating for a year now, and I can’t wait to be with him.

It's 7:00 am and he texted, “there’s something serious to talk about”.Ok, my mind starts spinning rapidly trying to consider all the probable situations. His aunt is in the hospital something about that maybe? Or is he getting transferred again? Or another office tour? Or is he coming to the city to meet me? …. His messages start pouring in. “what if we don’t get married?” I don’t know why but this made me chuckle. Is he proposing to me indirectly? We became very close to each other for the last couple of months. Texting till wee hours and during office meetings, surprising me with his goofy photos. He knows exactly how to make my days brighter and beautiful. I am sure he is going to… and then he dropped it. “My ex is trying to bounce back”. My ears are getting hotter and my breath is getting warmer. I replied “tell her you are engaged”, he just said, “I wasn’t convinced before, but now…”

I think I will faint or puke. Breathe in… breathe out…1,2,3,4…4,3,2,1…1,2,3,4…. Focus girl focus..all I managed to say, “it’s a joke, isn’t it?”

4 hours ago

I function on extreme emotions. Either I am angry or breaking down. There’s no middle ground here. Talking with anyone is equally painful. My friends warned me, I didn’t listen. I can’t sleep or eat or do anything as a matter of fact. The tiring act of putting up a face and behaving like everything is fine and good is draining me out. My phone is in perpetual silence. The text or call I am waiting for would never come. Often we don’t realize the damage we leave behind. We are so immersed in our own selves that we forget about others or maybe those people are not even a priority to even consider. I was one of them in his life. The reality hits hard. It breaks me apart more and more. All I am left behind with is pain and oh! How badly I want to get rid of it now!

A little more than a year ago:

My parents have been asking me for a while now if I am dating anyone. Sometimes I wonder if this is a trick question or are they really liberal. “No”, I answer nonchalantly. If I think a bit more, I haven’t even given a thought about being with someone. I guess I am way too comfortable with my singlehood status or I am busy with my work and deadlines. Both are true actually.

And here everything got started. The community purohit who took the burden of fixing marriages of us kids, yet himself stayed bachelor. He started coming almost every weekend to my mother, partly for the tea and sweets, and partly to show “the most eligible bachelors”! I told my friends jokingly I am the princess and it’s my sabha.

Among the piles of so-called candid shots of men trying to look their best and sober my eyes catch one. Looking at a distance, holding his helmet, the edges of his lips slightly turned upwards. Oh, that smile! I knew this is it, he is the one!

Here and now:

I look at the star-studded sky, wondering where all of my prayers went. It’s the same sky, under which both of us breathe and live yet I don’t know anything about him anymore. My eyes are burning, my vision is getting blurred. All I ask, “Why? Why me?” And that was the last time I looked up at the skies.

p.s. we all need somewhere to vent out and bring out all the emotions and I find my solace in penning down. To date, I journaled every night especially on nights when things get too much for me to deal with. They are mostly free-flowing essays. For the first time, I wrote a fictional piece. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I loved writing it.

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