When I started this New Year, I was excited about most of the things. My nephew’s birthday was approaching, everything around me looked promising. And then came the night when my entire life turned upside down. I remember waking up and spending days in a haze as if my vision got fogged up. All I wanted was to get out of it. I looked for a quick fix, or someone to say hey it’s a joke, or hey you were just dreaming. I wasn’t ready for the reality, but the truth is we are never ready for it. Since January, for 6 months all I did was float between extremes, or plunge deep into work to survive. Of course, my friends were always beside me, supporting and guiding me. It was I, who was both optimistic and sinking into grief, together, repeatedly.
Hard times teach us important lessons. We learn to survive, become more rational and ultimately we find peace and forgive ourselves. I guess the secret is to keep moving forward and believing that, one day, it will get better, and things won’t hurt you as much as they do now. Even though every moment feels like an eternity, and you feel like you won’t survive this hellfire, know that the mind plays tricks with us and you are already doing more than enough. You are trying out different options to help yourself and that is something to be proud of.
If you are having a bad day, remember, you have survived other pains in the past, which you thought were excruciating and unbearable. The thing about pain is that it changes its face. Today it's a failure, tomorrow it can be regret or loss and we learn to navigate through it.
It hurts to care about something/someone and opening our heart to others, giving a part of us, only to be disappointed or mistreated. It sucks to be treated like that, there’s no point in poetically expressing the absolute shit that we feel. Yet, in this process, we still learn what not to repeat or set up clear boundaries. Remember it’s not wrong or embarrassing to love or care for another being or a goal in your life.
And it’s okay to feel all the dark emotions and it's okay to feel hurt, no matter how others try to invalidate it. You accepting it is the first step towards healing. While it hurts and it could be the most difficult thing to go through right now, know that it is temporary and you will come out of it stronger than ever before.
Sometimes, bad things will happen, no matter how good or the kind you are, for you cannot control external agents; but please be gentle with yourself. Maybe holding that teddy bear tightly or reading pages from your favorite book will ease your pain. Every step you take in finding your inner peace could maybe seem like a failure but will not go to waste. Remember, the moon is still a moon in all its phases.
This post is a part of Blogchatter Half Marathon